why i've been gone
The Ineffable Scream
“Don’t tell no lie about me and I won’t tell truths about you”—Kendrick Lamar
When I sat down at my keyboard, I felt my fingers begin to bleed. Rampantly typing, the letters had grown tired at my disposal and within the span of three hours more than five drafts had stacked up on my dashboard. They were all blogs I could never post because if the wrong person happened to read them, each word would be cross-analyzed and rewritten for a narrative of their own.
I could feel their eyes on me. Watching, observing, listening—waiting for me to slip up just once so they could crawl from the shadows as the victim they so hoped to be. It was exhausting. Walking through campus, every passing look that slightly brushed me the wrong way would send a chill up my spine.
Did they hear the rumors? The lies?
It didn’t used to be this way. I had started out as the outgoing Texan who always approached people with a smile and an inviting conversation. I threw events, started a giant student group chat, and made my way around campus as the girl who sought to bring everyone together.
“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is still putting on its shoes.”—Mark Twain
Now, half smiles and lingering looks began to fill my day. There were several reasons why people might be hesitant to approach me, and two manipulative liars sat at the forefront of my fragile reputation.
It took all the power in me not to share the truth, not to fuel the fire, and not to give them the very thing they wanted—attention.
I’d seen celebrities’ lives be plastered across the public eye, everyone thinking they know what they don’t. The truth is, none of us really ever knew what happened. We just shared it everywhere and gasped at the news without question. I’d only experienced a small taste of that this semester, and it disgusted me. My insides rotted with shame I shouldn’t have held and a boiling strength that kept me grounded.
It all began a few months ago after one single incident. As if the match had been struck, from then on problems began spreading like wildfire just in time for spring. People involved themselves, gave their opinions, and even had the audacity to act as if they had somehow become the main character in my story.
I had cut off people who were once called my friends, shut out the victim-blaming noise, and recentered my internal locus of control on a daily basis. Every person around me began fighting for a spotlight in this story—even people who didn’t even attend the college I went to.
Experiencing a major event is one thing, but surviving the aftermath is another.
Writing was an outlet for me—my passion, my therapy, my love. I felt as if I was bound and silenced, enduring every motion of the day on my own. I hadn’t so much as picked up a journal. It was all too much—just a constant suffocation of fires in need of being put out all over my life.
But over time, writing began to summon me. I felt it in the heat of the sun that left my cheeks pink, I saw it in the fogged morning dew in the fields, and heard the whispers in the crashing waves of the beach ten minutes from my home.
I needed to write, I needed to speak, I needed to scream—scream the words for the feelings that couldn’t actually be described. In every way I’d been cornered, and all I could do was sit with this feeling inside me.
The ineffable scream I couldn’t let out just yet.
Copyright Ⓒ 2025 Anna Limcher. All rights reserved.
Every kind word, every like, every moment you spend here means everything to me! If you’d like to support my writing journey, buying me a coffee is a sweet way to do that. Thank you so much.
I also have another page called Modern Psycho! I think it’s important to share information, opportunities to learn, and new perspectives for reflection. This blog also provides a theological perspective—one that combines science and spiritual understanding of the mind.
You know I could scream on your behalf. Being in the position you found yourself in, is so difficult. How it changes us. I have been there. Oh goodness. It was awful. But like you I cut out people in my life who had the audacity to not see the “real” me. I moved on. Oh it hurt but felt good to move on.
Take care. 🌸🌷🌸
anya, just wow okay before anything, if i haven’t already said it by now after reading your last 3 articles, i am in AWE of your writing! ugh, i am obsessed. your style - i know you write a lot about very deep and personal topics, which is something i have to acknowledge because not everything you write on is sunshine and rainbows. your writing style is strikingly gorgeous, okay… i just had to say that! the way you encapsulate your thoughts and feelings — you make your stance very clear in a very captivating manner. such words from you thaws in my brain and it sits in my mind as if those were very powerful words to share; as they are. oh and i also like the little quotes you put within your text. those quotes really speak to you, as it does to me while reading your words.
i just wanted to say that because this is my first time i am reading any of your beautiful work. it is extremely tough to come back from such a long absence. even though i know it doesn’t bother you because you’re such a good writer anyway, as i’ve said. but i don’t know, this community is wonderful and all. but i would personally be a little intimidated to share my writing again after a couple of months of not posting like at all. it’s like an adjustment period, if you get me. but yeah, substack has missed a thing a beauty and i am so glad that you are back on here, even if we’ve never really interacted that much, or at all even. i’ve replied to one of your notes before, as a way to match the energy you were giving off. but before yesterday, before elijah made that beautiful post on you, like yeah you followed me, but if i am going to be completely honest, you kind of faded into the background, even though i think i had one of your posts saved (i have over a thousand saved posts lmao it is very very rough and i honestly have a lot of reading to catch up on). but again, reading your work for the very first time and i am just in awe of your talents. as a gut-wrenching, captivating, yet beautiful writer on this platform. you are such a great addition to our community and you are a catalyst in what makes our community flow with your writing. and it’s so glad to see you back, anya :)
of course, now i have to get to the actual part of the article. and its taken me this long to get here. i honestly should have this paragraph before the other two, but mmmmmmm i think i’ll keep it this way… yeah. it won’t hurt my point. anyways, anya (i love your name btw), i am very sorry that you have been going through such a deep and internal issue amongst your incidents. people trying to damage your reputation because they want to be the “main character” of your own story, so they do everything to make you feel worthless, and shatter you into tiny bits of pieces. and look, i completely get it :( okay, as much as it is unfortunate for me to say that… because for me personally, i’ve had a couple of people — hell even a person or two on this platform, as rage bait troll accounts though — who have tried taking me down internally, even physically at points. even if they would try to cover it up as jokes. i don’t see jokes the way people normally see them. i personally stand by the line that goes, “there’s a grain of truth in every joke” granted, that may just be my fragile self having no kind of humor whatsoever. but, you don’t just say some of the wild shit that you blur out as “pure jokes” okay, what if there are people who are actually trying to take me down behind the scenes? i don’t let these kinds of things get to me too much, but it has popped up before, quietly. i forgot to mention my biggest enemy that is the voice inside of me (whom i call my demon) who try to violently take me down by saying some really harsh things about my every second actions that i take. i try to shut it up sometimes but you at a certain point you just accept your defeat for the day.
look all i am trying to tell you is, you are not alone in this aspect. i know how harsh and cruel people can be nowadays. and i’m very sorry that you’re a victim of their demonic shadows. i hold a lot of sympathy over what you have been going through. please do not let these people try to get to you too much. take things a little bit easier on yourself. keep writing, keep creating, keep being your whimsical self, keep educating yourself - i saw on your about me page that you’re getting your psychology degree, which i think is fantastic. i am really intrigued and fascinated by psychology. i have already chose my two majors that i want to study (yes, i’ll be double majoring - hopefully) in philosophy and political science. but i seriously considered psychology as a major before that. it is amazing that you’re about to get your degree soon, congratulations! good luck with everything. never stop what you are doing, that’s a great way to defeat your demons. overall, i am extremely happy to see you finding yourself on this platform again. it makes me very happy to be able to read your work. i know i have a lot of digging to get to in your archives… lol. and seriously, you are so amazing! never give up, keep going with everything - you are doing wonderful, and keep up the great work! God bless you ❤️✨